Mothering
Written By Reagan Daniel
If I open the floodgates to write about motherhood, I am afraid I will be consumed. That’s probably a reasonable fear. Motherhood is all-consuming: Thoughts, emotions, time, priorities, futures, finances, personal space, crunchy floors, and spills on the furniture. These waters of motherhood are nourishing and crushing and life-giving and knock-you-off-of-your-feet powerful. But what I fear the most about consumption is that somewhere swimming in the deep love and longing for my children, in the gratitude for our connection to each other that can never be replicated, is grief and loneliness infused in the water.
When I became a mother, the coexistence of connection and grief surprised me. I felt the weight of the streams of generations running through me to my children. This new, rich connection to someone who is a part of me, a part of my mother, a part of hers has healed a loneliness I felt before motherhood. Yet, there is a new, different grief within motherhood itself. The grief of my previous life, the sacrifice that seeps into all of the cracks of my being, my miraculous body changing into different miracles, no longer being the receiver of care but the giver, no longer nurtured but nurturing.
The way I mother my children in my best moments is how I want to be mothered, to be loved. I want to be given space to fall apart, to be comforted when I am sick, to be nurtured, listened to, held, considered in all the moments we are not in front of each other, felt in your bones, held in both disappointment and in moments of intense pride and gratitude. I want someone to embrace the miraculousness of my aging body and know it is beautiful and unique and universal. I want my changes to be rejoiced in and my youth to be grieved and recognized for having carried me to this moment. I want to be fed. I want to be known.
I am in the phase of motherhood where I am needed so intensely, but fathoms away from being revered as the grandmothers who “raised us”. I am “raising” and given pats on the back and connecting in quick anxious texts between moms and in teacher conferences and at birthday parties, drowning in the chaos. I am doing emotional labor and behind-the-scenes work and dripping invisible magic-making sweat that the world does not see, and so often does not value. But inside of our own world, inside of motherhood with the women in my life, I feel revered and nurtured. Quenched. And these women evoke in me reverence and a desire to nurture them, to mother them too. We shape and create soft spaces for the next generations to thrive, and just as importantly we create soft places for each other to land and find flawed acceptance, vulnerability, deep connection, and love.
I feel an intense desire to protect my children from experiencing any pain, but my real job is to not let them experience the inevitable pain of life alone. Parenting teacher and mom, Dr. Becky, reminds us that “You can’t change the hard, but you can change the alone.” And that’s how we mother ourselves and each other. To remember we do not have to bear the weight of motherhood alone. When my oldest apologizes to me for being sick on Mother’s Day I want to eat her up to protect her from ever having to apologize for what her body needs, for the space she occupies. I want her to feel worthy of being nurtured, of needing, of urgency and sacrifice. I want that for myself and for you. I want us to be consumed by the nourishing and buoyant waters of motherhood together.
I tell my kids if they are ever lost, look for the moms. I want to tell you, sister: Look for the women, the moms, the nurturers, the connectors, the listeners, the ones who see you. As you sink into this ocean that is motherhood, we will help you float.
Motherhood reveals the strength and resilience already in us. However, it is essential that we continue to cultivate our own wisdom, healing, and community.
Below you will find resources for nurturing yourself and finding connection:
Start a Meditation Practice: Headspace (or other meditation apps) offer guided meditations, sleep stories, and relaxation techniques to help manage stress and anxiety
Prioritize Your Wellness: What did you love to do before becoming a mom? Find ways to connect with yourself as an individual by seeking joy and pleasure apart from your roles. Take care of your body, mind, and soul.
Punt Perfectionism to the Curb: No mom is doing it all perfectly. You will not do it perfectly. You are modeling for your kids what it is to be human, not how to be flawless. Find other flawed moms to connect with. We are everywhere.
Learn to Set Boundaries: Communicate your needs to yourself and to others. It is not selfish to protect your personal space, rest, and self-care rituals. Appropriate boundaries help you maintain a healthier presence in your family’s life.
Books: Books are a great way to find knowledge, empowerment, and support during the transformative journey of motherhood. There is a great list here, but below are a few faves:
Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be by Dr. Becky Kennedy
Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself by Nedra Glover Tawwab
Untamed by Glennon Doyle
Motherhood: Facing and Finding Yourself by Lisa Marchiano
Community: Find a therapy group, join Fit4Mom to move your body with other moms, try the Peanut App, inquire in your faith community, check out DFW Child’s recent article about local mom groups, or just awkwardly ask that mom at the park for her digits.
We see you, mama. You are strong, you are beautiful, you are a good mom, and you are not alone.
